Conflicts in a relationship are inevitable and to some extent healthy. Many of us have experienced – some less, some more – intense conflicts out of control, with a variety of provocative factors such as: work, family responsibilities, social norms (women should be housewives and men should be carriers), change in the behavior of the partner, etc. . However, constant conflicts can lead to distancing between partners and, consequently, to separation.
The idealization of our partner helps us to manage and deal with conflicts, as through idealization beautiful thoughts and beliefs about our partner are kept in our minds. In this way, we tend to use less “catastrophic” ways to deal with and manage the conflict.
Commitment motivates us to overlook our partner’s shortcomings, while empowering us to seek “beneficial” ways to resolve our differences, such as recognizing our partner’s needs, changing our own behaviors, and being willing to sacrifice selfishness and our want. As a result, couples who engage in engaging behaviors are more likely to stay together.
Common elements, common characteristics, common behaviors and in general, our identification with our partner is a powerful weapon in our conflicts. When we connect with our partner through everyday life with common behaviors and common habits, then our attitudes towards the respective conflicts are quite structured, while our attitude towards the respective problem is clearly positive. Otherwise, it would cause us anxiety and anger towards our relationship, feeling that there is no trace of love and commitment left.
Once we are faced with a negative and undesirable behavior of our partner, our first and foremost reaction is to stay calm and listen. Our stay is effective when we are willing to develop an active and constructive dialogue to solve problems, to be patient to improve the situation and to forgive our partner (if necessary). The unhelpful reaction includes voices, ignoring spending time with your partner and causing feelings of danger in our relationship. The identification and commitment of the couple contributes particularly positively to this.
Forgiveness includes reduced negative emotions and increased positive feelings towards our partner. Forgiveness is usually effective in long-term relationships, when there is now a safe match between the couple. However, it is very common for forgiveness to be granted, while the situation has not been accepted, which, consequently, each time returns even more violently in the relationship. When we forgive and stay in the relationship, everything else must be past.
When we do not feel particularly happy, we tend to think negative thoughts. We tend to attribute positive behaviors to circumstances or external factors, while negative ones to intentions and / or personality of our partner, as a characteristic of him. Maintaining a relationship is about trying the exact opposite.
Continuous conflicts can trap us in a vicious circle. There are two steps to getting out of a vicious circle. The first step is to reconcile our feelings, which is related to putting our problems in order and accepting our degree of guilt. On the other hand, the second step is to accept our partner’s peaceful mood, but also to return it to him.
Generalization is a deadly energy for the relationship, while the communication of emotions is particularly beneficial. When we do not generalize then we focus on specific problems that are prioritized. Insisting on generalizations like “You always do it …”, then conflicts are difficult to resolve.
On the other hand, communicating our emotions, accusations, riots, etc. are omitted. In fact, the focus is on the real problem, which can be solved more easily.
The most important element in a relationship is intimacy between partners. Therefore, this intimacy should be protected when there are conflicts. It is a common phenomenon to avoid spending time with our partner and / or moving away from him. It is important to protect intimacy within the relationship in order to deal with conflict without loss.